junkie twilight 

My head hurts, tension from temple to temple. 

Each time I get this ache, it is relatively worse, increased perhaps?

I know it is from the damage that my drug addiction has done to me – this pain is my own self inflicted hatred. 

And as I write these words upon the screen, the tears burning my eyes disappear, 

& I am silent. 

I am still. 

These are the moments when all is empty, these are the moments in which I truly despise myself.

Filthy fucking whore.

🔺♦️🔻♦️🔺

Sometimes I want it all & then some. 

And I’m still struggling to believe in love. 

I’m emotionally detached, desensitization is no foreigner to me. 

My clothes smell like cigarettes. 

My lungs are burnt. 

I lost my sense of smell somewhere in between my crack pipe & snorting lines off of toilet seats in stripclubs. 

The tears I cry are bitter & warm, they flow with life but take no form.

6 thoughts on “junkie twilight 

    1. Yes, I do understand the apprehension and it takes time to earn trust and show that one loves and cares about each child of CSAS over time in a pure and genuine manner… Once they know you’re safe, then more and more and more healing can take place in their lives… I appreciate that you’re being careful and finding out more about me… I am very direct and speak from my experience not taking into account what the other is thinking (who is THIS guy) and sometimes will say too much too fast, but that’s my compassionate heart and spirit responding… I was the one at the emergency shelter that thrived on the direct intake of children who were so scared and wondering what to expect. I was able to help them calm down with kindness and patience at the time of most initial need… I learned to love each one in their healing journey for they could stay at the shelter up to 3 months at a time. I lived at the shelter 4 days at a time with full time care and learned how to love as a big family, in being a father figure, a teacher, a counselor, a friend… If I had the money and resources back then, I would have adopted several kiddos. I still pray for them even now… You’re definitely on my care for radar so to speak… In all honesty, God has given me a big heart for orphans and in a sense that is how you had to grow up and survive… I cannot help, but reach out to you… I don’t want anyone to feel alone with no support and encouragement… I need and want for them and you to know real love…

      Liked by 1 person

  1. When I was 17, a girl who was 16 opened up to me about her sexual abuse of an uncle. I offered to help her. Her opening up to me opened my heart to love and care about others. That is the first instance. Then I worked in an emergency shelter for abused and neglected children and youth. I learned further how to care and support those who had been sexually abused. I met my wife who also worked there with me. You can read further about on my blog site about my inspiration and motivation for reaching out in love:
    https://suicidenotmyheart.wordpress.com/inspiration-and-motivation/

    Liked by 1 person

    1. thank you for your honesty, for your empathy & for the time you have invested in assisting those of us affected by such circumstances. I apologise for my initial apprehension, something which I’m certain you would understand given your experience with CSAS (childhood sexual abuse survivors).

      i genuinely appreciate your sincere efforts, & yes i will scoot on over to your blog to learn more about yourself, your family & the work you do.

      again, thank you.

      Like

  2. You’re more than the things you’ve done prior to that you now despise… You don’t have to be rough on yourself any longer… You didn’t know your worth and didn’t know the love you needed growing up… You’re making strides to do better now… New life and blessings will happen for you… I believe in you… You’re writing about traumatic things; so brave… wanting to help yourself but also you’re helping others… You’re making a difference… You matter in this life… I am proud of you… for being honest, for wanting to better your life, for wanting to heal, for making positive changes in your life… Wow… You are one of my heroes… My heroes are children who have been abused and haven’t experienced the love they needed.. and I root for each one to become an overcomer and a fighter… to know they are loved no matter their past or circumstances… for having to live in a harsh world that has taken advantage of them for wrong reasons and my desire and prayer is that they are victorious over it and find the love their needing and wanting all along… Love you sweet girl… why? because God put it in my heart to do so… you amaze me with your writing talent and what you’ve had to endure… here for you to encourage and support you no matter what…
    https://suicidenotmyheart.wordpress.com

    Liked by 1 person

    1. this is a much nicer comment, thank you for giving a bit more context, I’m curious as to why you chose to become a supporter of adult survivors of child abuse?

      Like

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