She was 15yrs old when it happened, & he left her for dead. This was in 1988, she didn’t have the emotional capacity to comprehend that trauma & when she realised that her menstrual cycle was very late, along with noticing other symptoms, she was terrified. Back then, you couldn’t just go have an abortion, & she nor my grandparents had that kind of money. And so I came into the world two wks before her 16th birthday.
My Nan basically raised me, however I knew that my mum was my mum & I yearned deeply for her to love me, to even like me & want me around. She became a drug addict, partied my whole childhood, would love me & take me out of school to go “party” with her & then randomly drop me off at family friends & family members homes, eventually putting me into the waiting net of a predator every second or third wkend so that she could go nightclubbing with his wife (her best friend). She used to brag about how I would smell every thing I was given before drinking it for fear of consuming alcohol & would set up cups for me to show her friends how I knew the difference between alcoholic & non-alcoholic beverages. Like a 5yrs olds fear was something she could make a party trick out of. She went through cycles of resenting me. My Mother has told me she hates me more than she has ever said she loves me. I remember vividly how cold she looked when she drunkenly slurred to me one night that;
“You have his eyes. You look just like him.”
The devastation & guttural ache of my upbringing including the facts surrounding my conception, has left me with a clinical diagnosis of a severe cluster B personality disorder, an adjustment disorder & riddled with guilt. I do not know how to give love nor receive love as I was not programmed to love. Learning how to has been & will continue to be a battle I endure every day, one that I will have to wage war against for the rest of my life because of the immature psychological defence mechanisms I developed in order to trust what could not be trusted & depend on the undependable as a little girl totally incapable of protecting myself against any of it at all.
Children & babies are sponges. They absorb & are aware of everything. When it comes down to the psychological distress our primary caregivers subjected us to, honestly you’d begin to lose the point of your initial question(s) in general long before you’d find the utmost damaging statement that can be made to a child. It also comes down to how things are said, the tone of voice, the meaning behind the words & the rest all play a part in how children are effected.
I turned 28 in March of this year. My Ma is 44. We do not talk often, & have gone through years without speaking at all. I hated, resented, detested her for far too f**king long. Blamed her for so much. Yet in the past year, I’ve begun understanding how the fuck she felt, what she went through & ohhh god, it utterly horrifies me that this innocent young girl had to go through what she did & lost her goddamn chance at a life, a childhood, the whole transition from being a young girl to a grown woman was forced upon her & she buckled under the weight of it all. Her high school even made her leave because they did not approve of having pregnant students enrolled. She lost her education. She lost her childhood. And I’m having a hard time not blaming myself but therapy helps.
I apologise if this answer went off topic somewhat. Or if it seems like an attention seeking post. To sum it up, telling me how much I was hated, that I had not been wanted & was an accident, that I looked like this man who made my Ma’s eyes fill with a hollow hatred as they bore through my own have utterly destroyed my mind, & almost my own chance at having a healthy, happy, hopeful life at all.
I forgive her, now I must learn how to forgive myself.
“never deprive a man of hope, it may be all that he has left.”
© AleCat 2017